Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Fred Grimm on Chain Link Fencing. By Geniusofdespair

Not often do I take a WHOLE Article from the Miami Herald. But I know how lazy some of you are with taking the leap to press a link. This column by Fred Grimm is JUST TOO GOOD and FUNNY for you to miss. Forgive me Miami Herald, I know not what I do.


Thank you Fred Grimm for making me LMAO with "The Subtle Beauty of Chain-link Fencing":
Before Lynda Bell, few elected officials were willing to stand up for my kind of aesthetic. You know the look. Lowdown Americana, set off with an old sofa on the porch and a rusted-out ‘75 T-Bird in the front yard, windows busted out, hood missing, shreds of vinyl roof flapping in the wind. The whole tableau framed behind a sagging chain-link fence.

Oh, a few politicians understand some constituents harbor a deep-seeded need to surround themselves with pit bulls named after their ex-wives, neon Budweiser signs, the kind of big-haired women who frequent Indian casinos. But their appreciation of anti-urbane culture hasn’t extended to zoning matters. Not before Lynda.

The vice chairman of the Miami-Dade Commission has championed the very beauty of chain-link fencing.

Sure, other pols argue that chain-link fences ought to be tolerated in struggling, crime-infested residential neighborhoods because they’re cheap, effective and keep crackheads out of the yard. But they worry that chain-link lends an area a ghetto look. “Like a jail,” Commissioner Javier Souto said.

But Commissioner Bell fought to rescind the decade-old ban on front-yard chain-link fences in unincorporated Miami-Dade neighborhoods because they’re just plain pretty. “A lot of people don’t want a wooden fence in their front yard,” Commissioner Bell argued last February, as she pushed through an ordinance designed to nurture a chain-link renaissance. “It’s clear. It looks nicer. You can’t graffiti it. . . . It actually looks nice to me because the wood gets warn and weathered and the planks warp. I mean I’ve seen fences when I’m driving down the turnpike, one’s brown and one’s red and one’s blue. This is why I think a chain link presents a much cleaner look.”

Exactly. If we banned wood fences instead of chain-link fences, there’d be none of those rainbow spectrums mucking up the panorama. Instead we have these clean, uniform views framed by gray metal barriers made of oh so lovely wire grids. All we’d need is for Lynda to tweak the county ordinance and allow her chain link to be topped off with shiny curlicues of concertina to reflect the evening sun.

I feel like Lynda did this for me. Me and Jenna. But mostly Jenna. “I’ve been hearing from a lot of different contractors,” Bell told her fellow commissioners. By “a lot,” she meant daughter Jenna Mendez and her hubby. We’ve now learned that the couple were so enraptured by the charms of chain link that in March 2012, they started their own fence company. Bell forgot to mention this back during the February meeting, an odd oversight, given that the address of the fence company is also Commissioner Bell’s home address.

Some critics claim that Bell only pushed the ordinance to benefit her daughter’s business. But those are the very people who could never understand that a chain-link fence can set off a neighborhood as exquisitely as a barbed wire tattoo can adorn a woman’s bicep.

If you want to see a before and after fenced house go to this blog and scroll to the end.

17 comments:

Gimleteye said...

Excellent.

Anonymous said...

Too funny. Genius, you are the best for uncovering this in the 1st place. Grimm's wit captured the story more vividly then my own imagination. She's certainly in the crackhead Ford column of politician's. He raised the bar and she's a close second.

Anonymous said...

I think we all ought to request Bell lawn signs during the next election ... purchase them if necessary. Then we can put a chain link fence overlay on them with a big red "X". I think that will do the trick.

I challenge Blog readers to go around town and take pictures of pretty houses. Then let's put chain link fences in front of them in a sort of "Before and After" scenario to show how the curb appeal is "enhanced". For all that she is, this could be the thing that both brings her down and puts a fire under incorporation.

I think this is the best thing she has ever done. Let's work with it.

Geniusofdespair said...

If you press read more from this blog http://eyeonmiami.blogspot.com/2013/11/part-2-lynda-bell-saga-by.html?m=1
You will see a fenced house before and after from Jenna's website. Worth the look.

Anonymous said...

You can try to take the family out of the trailer park, but there is no taking the trailer park out of this family.

I can actually hear banjo music in my mind when I close my eyes and think of Lynda Bell.

But don't thank her, thank her homophobic supporters as well, starting with Palmetto Bay's own John Dubois, David Zisman and Stephen Cody.

Anonymous said...

Genius, I think the real photo of "Fence Assured" work about one foot from the front door of that tiny residential property says it all even though I love the photo today too! We're missing some Pabst (sp) Blue Ribbon Beer in her hand and the banjo playing is a must for her next campaign adds. She's making Rick Scott & Marco Rubio proud, isn't she!

DuBois house would look great with a nice chain link fence along the front of it on Old Cutler Road but I'm guessing Palmetto Bay won't allow that.

Youbetcha' said...

Xoxoxo xoxoxo Fred Grimm

Tom Becks said...

Fred,

Great article! I especially love the tattooed inset of Linda Bell in the yard! Classic! Yes, in Florida, and generally anywhere in the world there is government, people take advantage of the system and they use their power to make money. That's a fact. Nicely brought home in your article, impressive verbiage, just wondering if that rusted out 75 tbird is for sale?

Seriously, great article, keep "Ma Bell" on her toes.

Tom Becks - TomBecksMedia.com

Geniusofdespair said...

Tom I did not write the article, I did the graphic.

Anonymous said...

It's OK. Let readers think you wrote it. You found it.

Anonymous said...

Finders keepers losers weepers.

Anonymous said...

Fred, we need to name a building after you. Pick a nursing home, any nursing home. We'll work on it for you.

Anonymous said...

Chain link also allows for us to decorate them with plastic cups and ribbon for special holidays .... You can't punch red plastic cups through a wooden fence....

Anonymous said...

I am totally surprised that she didn't stop the sale of fencing in Home Depots and Lowes until they go to her office for a permit to buy it. That way people would be encouraged use commercial companies for installation.

Anonymous said...

Use of exclusive Home Depot contracting has alleged to have been used before. It is one of the charges confronting former New Orleans Mayor Nagin as he awaits trial on 21 charges of public corruption during the time of Katrina recovery. They allege that he got Home Depot to give his family business an exclusive contract to install granite at four Home Depot stores in metro New Orleans area after using his official authority to kill a community benefits agreement that would have required Home Depot to hire poor people from the central city and pay them above market wages. All while he was negotiating tax breaks from the city with Home Depot.

If convicted of all the charges, he could go to jail for a long time. Maybe as long as the former Mayor of Detroit.

Anonymous said...

fencinggate?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Jenna has dreams of making the US Olympic Fencing Team!