Friday, June 28, 2013

Let's help the Marlins ... by gimleteye

Such a sad story about the terminally poor fan attendance at the games of the Miami Marlins in today's Herald. Professional baseball's lowest attendance team. It's a black Eye On Miami.

On the other hand, we warned county and city commissioners who voted for the worst stadium deal in professional sports history. But nooooo. We knew that the lure of luxury suites and free parking was too much for county and city commissioners. Now? Poor Marlins! Poor Miami Herald!

So, we implore Eye On Miami readers to oome to the rescue. Help us volunteer suggestions how to improve attendance at Marlins' games.

Here are my top five incentives to induce Miami citizens to get their tickets punched for proof of attendance.

1) Attend ten Marlins' games and get one free ticket to the Miami Heat.

2) Attend one Marlins' game and get free parking in Miami for one year. Call it a "twofer".

3) Attend five Marlins' games and get a "certificate of attendance" from FIU that could be used as a resume builder.

4) Attend fifteen Marlins' games and get either a) a free Jet Ski or b) a ten year waiver on your auto registration tax.

5) Attend three Marlins' games and get a date to hunt pythons in Everglades National Park with Carl Hiaasen or bonefish with Gimleteye in Biscayne National Park.

24 comments:

sundayniagara said...

Put the Marlins in the AL East, WHERE THEY BELONG!

Anonymous said...

Any money a person spends at the stadium, including beer, is directly deducted from his or her property taxes!

Squathole said...

If attendance reaches 2 million, current ownership group must divest itself of all interest.

Gimleteye said...

Hmmm. Interesting!

gcbron said...

Attendance at a game will give you a free pass for a Red Light Camera Ticket. If it's a light with a shortened yellow you receive two passes.

Al Crespo said...

Attendance at one game will get you a Certificate of "Distinguished Visitor" from Commissioner Michelle "Date Rape" Spence Jones.

Attendance at two games will get you an appointment by "His Ignorance," Mayor Tomas Regalado to be his personal representative on any committee that you want.

Attendance at three games will get you a nice workout with with Commissioner Marc "Ethics" Sarnoff, wearing Spandex is mandatory.

Attendance at four games gets you a half hour with Commissioner Francis Suarez, so he can tell you about his plans for the future of the city. Please bring a book or video game so you won't get bored.

Attendance at five games gets you a chance to see democracy in Miami close up and personal as you travel around Miami with a Boletera he/she picks up Absentee Ballots.

Attendance at six games and Myriam Marquez at the Miami Herald will write an editorial praising you for being the best thing to happen to Miami since the Cubans arrived.

Make it to ten games, and you get to move out of Miami to a city of your choice and where you will be treated like an escaped prisoner from a place like.....Miami!

Michael Froomkin said...

We should fill up the empty seats by lottery. Every taxpayer in Miami-Dade county taxpayer would get a free entry for a pair of tickets per game.

After all, we paid for the stadium, why can't we have an 'owners zone' of our own?

miaexile said...

Squathole has the best idea!

Jose McGuire said...

Attend a Game and get a years supply of Steroids and a date with Natacha Seijas

Geniusofdespair said...

You couldn't pay me to go unless they were American League. Then I would go to see the opposing team.

Japolina said...

It's horribly sad but your post is funny!

Anonymous said...

Attend fifty games and get a free dinner at Denny's with David Rivera and Marco Rubio.

Anonymous said...

To get people there they are going to give free tickets, free rides to the stadium, free sodas and hotdogs, and a financial incentive for their time and trouble. That might get a good crowd.

Anonymous said...

Give people who attend a free trip to the Genting casino in the Bahamas. That way, build the constituency for full scale gaming in Florida.

Geniusofdespair said...

Japolina where are your shoes?

Anonymous said...

Attend 10 games and get free Body Building class from Carlos Alvarez

Anonymous said...

The Marlins scam will cost the taxpayers over $3 BILLION in interest and principle over 50-60 years, probably much more as the current bonds get re-financed.

Anonymous said...

Park illegally anywhere in the City of Miami, pay your parking ticket and get a free pass to park at Marlins Park and free admission. This way the Marlins
get no cash from your attendance......Sneak in your beer!!! Steve Hagen, Green Park advocate

Anonymous said...

Attend a Miami Marlins game and get a free massage by Natacha Seijas.

Anonymous said...

Happy Ending not Included (or impossible)

Anonymous said...

The best way to help the Marlins is for Jeffrey Loria and his assistant David Samson to sell the team and for them to pay back the taxpayers for all the money lent them. Then maybe fans might start returning. Otherwise, the Marlins will have the worst attendance in MLB.

Anonymous said...

Buy a Marlins season pass and get a no-questions / no documents needed loan from US Century Bank at a special window at the stadium.

Anonymous said...

They already do that at FIU.

Anonymous said...

Where. I go there and interested in buying in the area.