Text of my speech to Romney retreat at Deer Valley this weekend ... by gimleteye

Mitt Romney is meeting in a closed door retreat at Utah's Deer Valley this weekend. The GOP's top donors will be there, along with luminaries including Jeb! Bush. I was asked to stand-in for Marco Rubio who will be at home in West Miami with his family. Here is the text of my speech.

"Hi. I'm a liberal blogger from Miami, Florida. Go, Heat. I hear the Mormon Tabernacle broke into song when we won. (Wait for applause.) We beat Oklahoma. The only state dumber than Oklahoma is Kansas.

Marco Rubio couldn't be here this weekend, so I'm here to help bring in the Hispanic vote. (Wait, applause.) You call it "Latino". Tom-A-to, tom-ah-to? Let's ask a waiter.

Thanks for inviting me to Park City, Utah, really. What an honor to address you today. (Find Mitt Romney in the crowd, pat heart.) Mitt, you are a very generous guy to be inviting an environmentalist.

I'm usually here only in ski season when you can wear green and people won't give you a second look. (If no laughter, stick a pencil in nostril.)

It is a different kind of green going on, here. (Point and 'I heart you' to Charles and David Koch in audience.)

I'm talking about money. Your money. Heck, there are more private jets on the tarmac at SLC than during that Robert Redford film festival down the road. You know, the one in Park City where all the Hollywood types raise money for the whales and have unprotected sex. (No laughter, stick pencil in second nostril.) Raise your hand if you think we should have federal funding for condom distribution at the Sundance Film Festival!

I'm not here to sell you on my candidate who happens to be President of the United States. (If no applause, remove pencils from nostrils.)

Don't spend a billion dollars on political TV commercials, my friends. All you are going to do is make Karl Rove richer. Give Karl your jet to ride home. (Point to Karl in audience.) How did you get out here, Karl? Horse and buggy? (If no applause, use the following.)

Hey, did you hear about the environmental regulation that got away? ... I didn't either.

Help lift us out of this race to the bottom. You know as well as I do that presidents can't create jobs. George W. Bush couldn't do it. Jeb Bush certainly couldn't do it in Florida. (Wave to Jeb! in the audience. Don't overdo it.)

And Mitt, god bless a man named "Mitt", can't.

So take your billion dollars and help build bridges to all the people you've left behind. It has to pay more interest than you are getting from the bank, unless of course you ARE the bank and borrowing from the Fed at zero and lending at seven percent. With a deal like that, why change horses?

Anyhow, enjoy your weekend here at Park City. I haven't been invited to stay for the other sessions but I will be keeping this badge to remind me of spending quality time looking over the devastated economy from high above. So adios, amigos.

I have a flight to catch. Southwest, not Netjets.