Thursday, February 25, 2010

American Express Cards attack GOP candidates at Orlando Theme Park ... by gimleteye

The following is political satire.

Often found swimming in political money pools, free American Express cards yesterday attacked GOP candidates including US Senate hopeful Marco Rubio. The attacks were reported in The Miami Herald, "Marco Rubio charged personal bills on GOP card." Three years ago, party faithful asked for an audit of credit card statements provided by the GOP to top politicians. The letter, obtained from an Orlando theme park, warned the party "... it was pushing its show mammals too hard to wow audiences, thereby inviting attacks."

"I warned them this was going to happen,'' said one party loyalist who asked to remain anonymous, "A happy GOP doesn't feed its top officials to unrestricted credit cards.'' Yesterday, personal spending on an American Express card issued by the party tossed the Rubio candidacy for US Senate around like a toy, threatening to drown it in front of horrified supporters.

According to the Herald, "State Sen. John Thrasher of St. Augustine, the new party chairman, has resisted calls to release the statements of all party credit cardholders." Thrasher reportedly told observers at the scene of the tragedy, "I am against any regulations that would prohibit them but I will order an exhaustive audit to be completed by January 2012."

On Wednesday night, Rubio sent a letter to Thrasher accusing his GOP rival in a hotly contested U.S. Senate race, Gov. Charlie Crist, of releasing the credit card documents in a dangerous way.

The Herald reported, "It is clear these internal documents were taken from the RPOF by former chairman Jim Greer or someone working for him and were leaked to the media by the Crist campaign,'' Rubio's letter said. "These actions are an appalling act of political desperation.'' There were conflicting reports of the circumstances that led to the credit card abuse of GOP politicians, but the accident seemed certain to rekindle debate over turning American Express cards, considered deeply intelligent and highly social by many scientists, into captive circus performers."

In a brief statement posted on the state GOP website, Thrasher, party chairman and part owner of the Orlando theme park, said the company was investigating the incident and would review its operating standards. "Nothing is more important than credit cards issued for the safety of our elected officials, guests and the candidates,'' he said.


nonee moose said...

Well played, sir.

Anonymous said...

The "captive circus performer" description is worthy of a 'genius' because that's exactly what Mr. Rubio is, a captive of his own unmeasurable ambition. Nevertheless, his captivity goes far beyond one arena. He is a captive of many individuals who intend to make him the next Alex Penelas. The scariest part about this idea is that Mr. Rubio is perfectly delighted to become the next Penelas. Keep asking Charlie to run as an Independent, and we might have a fighting chance to cut Rubio's wings!

David said...

Interesting to note the Rubio campaign doesn't address the substance of the issue (what's charged to the credit card), but attacks the messenger. Sound familiar?

It is interesting to note Mr. Crist doesn't have a GOP issued credit card.

Anonymous said...

It is interesting that the author has to tell the readers it is a satire. Some readers are lacking.

Derrick Smith said...

"It is interesting to note Mr. Crist doesn't have a GOP issued credit card." - That's funny! :)