Where would Jesus shop? by gimleteye

I’m gob-smacked. For two nights the lead story on NBC Nightly News was the raging storm that flooded South Florida before traveling up the eastern seaboard. The focus of the story both nights: how this storm would affect shopping on the weekend before Christmas. Is this what it has come to: autism is rising, glaciers melting, permanent wars drain our Treasury, unemployment is soaring, yet the top TV news story is meant to instigate a nation of battered consumers to brave a blizzard and shop until the important season of Christ’s birth is covered up by post Christmas sales?

The rotten economy has even gotten the better of sunny Gov. Charlie Crist. Crist was at the Herald editorial board the other day. The Herald recounting of the Crist appearance was of a man unmoored. The Herald strives to be even-handed in all things, but could not help but outline the points of the governor adrift and disconnected. His poll numbers are plunging. He stands in front of a G.O.P. wracked by divisions and trending to the telegenic Miamian, former House speaker Marco Rubio whose conservative appeal seems to be grounded in nothing at all except that he is not Crist. How upsetting the world looks from Fisher Island this holiday season!

I’ve written it before: what is happening in Florida is a ground campaign to hoist Jeb Bush and his acolytes back to power. They represent big agribusiness (tomato growers who fund Fairchild Garden, former developers of Florida’s housing and building boom, the Fanjuls of Florida Crystals), the engineering cartel furious with Crist for not allowing more pavement, and the diversions of water from surplus areas to the thirsty and polluted coasts. Charlie thought he had those guys in his back pocket, and he did, didn't he?

If only more people would go shopping, maybe the United States could return to the business of letting these powerful undercurrents wind their way through our lives without connection beyond the steady and gradual erosion of our equity. If only more people would shop—perhaps new home equity lines of credit would do the trick—we could focus on events like climate change, unending wars, and the national character that make us a positive, optimistic people.

So along these lines, I would like to take a moment to review the most amazing items from the edition of Sky Mall Magazine I found on a recent American Airline flight folded in the flap at the back of seat pressed up against my knees.

Here’s a wallet shaped with a curve to match the tailored lining of a man’s pants pocket. “Cut exactly like the shape of a front pocket, the wallet is curved on one side so that it stores snugly in the contours of the pocket, where it won’t create unsightly bulges or winkles.: $49.95

The pet ramp and staircase, so you won’t have to bend down and lift your loved one or ones into bed without inducing “undue stress on joints and muscles”. Available in a two or three step version, starting at $149.95

The red light camera detector. “This is the device that notifies you when are approaching an intersection that is monitored by a red light camera. The detector’s GPS compares your automobile’s bearings to an internal database of 6,000 red light and speed camera locations in the US and Canada.” $199.95 (Note to publisher: is this to encourage consumers to run through red lights? Confusing!)

“Successories is proud to present the first in our exclusive line of inspirational figures exactingly reproduced from original oil paintings commissioned by Successories from the celebrated American portraitist, Theodore Bauer.” Ah Teddy Bauer, a legend in his own time!

“Chocolate stars. Plucked from a chocolate sky, these exquisitely formed celestial confections embellished with twinkling colors will make everyone who gets one feel like a star in their own universe.”

Exclusive box of applause and box of laughter. “Open the box of applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd.” $24.95

“Use your color photo to create a custom, 100% cotton, full color woven blanket!”

The Science of Winning at Slots. “Only slots system ever published that is supported by real evidence of consistent jackpots by including copies of IRS tax forms.” $39.98

getAbstract. “Books piling up on your desk or nightstand? No time to read? You’re not alone! …getAbstract is the most efficient way to absorb the key ideas of today’s cutting-edge business books. Our top-notch editorial team reads through thousands of titles and picks out the very best… Next, we write a crisp, clear five-page summary, packed with relevant insights and readable in just 10 minutes.”

I guess, it’s true: “For years, successful executives have been relying on getAbstract to summarize the most critical business books and deliver them in a flash.” Like watching network television news, getAbstract takes the work out of understanding and gives audiences more time to learn less. An added benefit: it give you and your family more time to figure out what to buy as you find your way through snowdrifts and, here in Florida, a winter of discontent.