Sunday, December 23, 2007

Funniest Column I Ever Read is in the Miami Herald Today! By geniusofdespair

Finally, someone is outed with my sense of humor! County Commissioner Marc Sarnoff has a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor that rivals the great comic writers of our time. I actually did laugh out loud reading this column. He can write for this blog anytime! Read Miami commissioner a man of many memos by Ana Menendez. Here is a teaser:

"Oct. 31: Today, Jorge Perez dropped by dressed as Darth Vader. He stood in my doorway without speaking, just doing that breathing thing. Man, that guy is FUNNY!"

P.S. I have read the column a few times. I now believe I have been "had." It was the paint chips that did it. However, if Ana was going to make it up, it should not have been so believable. I could picture every one of those things happening in our town (maybe not the paint chips), it was not over the top to me (over the top would not require a qualifier by the columnist). Am I too cynical or just dense? I think the column is going to brew a lot of controversy either way you read it. But it would be funnier if Marc actually wrote it.
P.S.S. It appear the qualifier was in Spanish, according to a reader:
"The entry of December 20, gives you the clue. Angel Gonzalez tells him: "You meddling gringo, go to hell". Angel would have never said that even if he feels that way about Sarnoff - that would not be politically correct"!

I say: Not fair Ana! Sign me DenseInMiami!

Miami Commissioner a man of many memos
Posted on Sun, Dec. 23, 2007

Last week, The Miami Herald published a secret memo that Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff wrote to himself. The explosive memo suggests that commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones asked for cash in return for key votes. She denies it, and the state attorney is investigating.

Meanwhile, it turns out Sarnoff has written dozens of other such private memos. Here, for the first time, an exclusive look:

• Dec. 20, 2006: Been on the job three weeks and just found a new commissioner: Angel Gonzalez. Man or droid? Must investigate.

• Jan. 25, 2007: This Mercy Hospital project is really heating up. Chambers today were packed with people supporting the new condos. Some of them had flown in all the way from Michigan!

• Feb. 8: Spence-Jones got a new car! It's beautiful -- a silver Rolls Royce limited edition. Her business must be going really swell.

• Feb. 14: Worried about this fire fee thing. Why did only seven people get $7 million? That sneaky Arriola must be behind it. Will ask city attorney Jorge Fernandez to explain.

• March 23: Police Chief Timoney came by. He had charts and bar graphs and it was all a little confusing, but the good news is that crime has been eliminated in Miami!

• April 8: Wrote memo to Fernandez asking him to explain the fire fee deal again. • May 24: Been here almost 6 months. The guy I like most so far is Tomas Regalado. I wonder if he plays golf?

• June 1: Still waiting for Jorge's reply.

• July 10: I thought she'd never ask, but Spence-Jones offered me a drive in her new car. ''Can't discuss city business,'' I reminded her. She rolled her eyes, but I pretended not to notice. The car is awesome! We drove around for a while and then she pulled over on the I-95 overpass. Man, it was gorgeous: the sun setting, the golden city sparkling and she turned and said, ''Marc, all of this could be yours, if only you vote with me.'' What did she mean?

• Aug. 20: Oh no! Found out that Timoney accepted a ''free'' Lexus. How can I trust his stats now? Very depressed. Went down to Regalado's office. He made me Cuban coffee on one of those portable electric burners. I'm pretty sure that's against the fire code, but I didn't say anything. I asked Tomasito why everyone who took a job here eventually became bizarre. He explained that city hall is contaminated with laughing gas. ''There was a leak back in '32.'' Wow! Laughing gas -- that explains everything. I wanted to call the Herald, but Regalado swore me to secrecy. ''If the people ever found out there could be mass panic.'' Good point. Must make sure this memo is never made public.

• Sept. 1: Jorge Fernandez finally dropped by my office today! The guy is a lot nicer than I thought. He brought some homemade chocolate chip cookies, and we spent the next hour going through paint cards from Home Depot. I suggested ''Chayote'' for his office and ''Azul Cielito Lindo'' for the new TV room. He thanked me for my expertise! I'm starting to fit in.

• Oct. 25: Today's meeting was so boring. I hate it when they drag on so. But it gave me time to study Angel Gonzalez. I think he may be human. Need more data.

• Oct. 31: Today, Jorge Perez dropped by dressed as Darth Vader. He stood in my doorway without speaking, just doing that breathing thing. Man, that guy is FUNNY!

• Nov. 8: I have a great idea! How about if the city bought up all the empty condos and gave them to poor people??!! I'm a freaking genius. But wait. . . . Could that be the laughing gas talking?

• Dec. 20: Today, Angel Gonzalez came up to me at the holiday party and whispered: 'Americano entrometido, vetepa' casa del caramelero.''

He's human! Even better, I think he likes me. No kidding: This has been the best year of my life!


Anonymous said...

Yes it was a funny column. My husband and I had a dispute about if it was real. I thought, like you, that Sarnoff had a real sense of humor, my husband said Ana had the sense of humor. Maybe Sarnoff will let us know if the notes are real.

Geniusofdespair said...


I never thought it was a parody: Ana never said this is what he MIGHT have written. She did attribute the memos to him and did not hint they were made up by her, which a responsible journalist would have done. But, your husband may be right. It would be funnier if they were Marc's memos but it is a riot either way.

Anonymous said...

The entry of December 20, gives you the clue. Angel Gonzalez tells him: "You meddling gringo, go to hell". Angel would have never said that even if he feels that way about Sarnoff -that would not be politically correct!

Geniusofdespair said...

Ah, so the qualifer was in Spanish! No fair Ana.

Anonymous said...

Curiouser and curiouser…
Take a look at the fashion photos for the Vizcaya Ball, Mark Sarnoff and an interesting cast of real estate characters/sponsors. Herald’s cryptic under the radar note: “guests had an unobstructed view of the bay to the south.”

Anonymous said...

Responding to "genius"ofdespair:

There is absolutely no doubt, for anyone who knows Commissioner Sarnoff and/or Ana Menendez OR has a minor lick of sense that her column was a humorous commentary on serious events of our times. It was total fiction. That one of the anchors of this site cannot fathom this speaks enormously of the amount of eggnog being imbided between postings.

Geniusofdespair said...

I can laugh at myself: Dense in Miami

but I am not the only one that was fooled... and you can blow it out your ears. I have seen so much bullshit over the years, this did not seem very unusual, it seemed par for the course.

Anonymous said...

Dear Careful Reader.

Your are a turd. A lot of us believed this column was true. It seemed like Sarnof was joking around not the reporter. How were we to know which one was joking? We don't know these 2 people personally or their sense of humor. Maybe you do...but we don't. I spoke to someone I know in Broward that couldn't believe Sarnoff said those things. The reporter should have been clearer.

out of sight said...

Funny. Funny. Funny.

Anonymous said...

Another hint in the column: City Hall wasn't City Hall in 1932.

Pretty clever stuff. I also have wondered how Spence Jones got that new Rolls Royce.

I must admit "careful reader" has a point.

Anonymous said...

Commissioner Sarnoff definitely has a sense of humor but I know he takes the problems facing Miami very seriously.

Anonymous said...

Fantasies That Some Folks Are Just Too Dense To Figure Out On Their Own (Without A Written Disclaimer)!

1. Santa Clause

2. Easter Bunny

3. Nixon claiming that he was not a crook.

4. Clinton stating that the B.J. from Monica was not really sex.

5. Bush declaring “Mission Accomplished.”

6. Orson Wells Radio Broadcast of “War Of the Worlds.”

7. Getting a tattoo or a body piercing will make a woman more attractive or man more macho.

8. Being rich will make you happy.

9. Developers only want to change zoning to build higher and denser project as to benefit to our community.

10. Ana Menendez tongue-in-cheek column about possible additional Sarnoff memos to himself.

Harry Emilio Gottlieb

Anonymous said...

Commissioner Sarnoff:

My 107 year old great grand mother visiting from Idaho Falls, Idaho read it and understood that it was parody. It would be my thinking that two union heads, 70 of your constituents, including journalists, Doctors and lawyers, and the one Commissioner are stupid and perhaps are not the 'cream-of-the-crop' in their field.

As my great granny says, as she reads about this issue, in Idaho we put our trust in 'horse-sense', not in titles.

Food for thought.

Brent Cutler

PS: Was the City of Miami's head attorney one of the lawyers that did not understand it?

Anonymous said...


I do not disagree but when you have the head of two unions contact you one commissioner and about 70 emails, some from journalists and Doctors and lawyers you want to make sure everyone understands it.

I read it the way you did but then again I would know of it untruthfulness and attempt to poke fun. Unfortunately she is not usually known for this writing style.


Anonymous said...

I found the column odd. I like Ana Menendez and I wish she would throw her excellent resources and high intelligence to looking into many of the issues she raised. The "fire fee", Spence-Jones's new found wealth...

Commissioner Sarnoff is one of the "good guys".

Anonymous said...

Sarnoff is that bigot who lives in that house on the corner of Shipping Ave. and Virginia St. in Coconut Grove isn't he?

Right where that traffic circle is, right?

Didn't he forge the names on a petition to get that traffic circle?

Isn't his house across from the dog park that he established to keep the blacks out of the park?

I remember hearing about how he was always bragging about how the PUBLIC park is HIS front yard and since black people do not like dogs, he was going to make the park a dog park.

I still hear about how went to extremes to kick the black people out of the park and out of the neighborhood.

I heard he had all of the black people on his street under investigation.

I heard he spent a lot of time intimidating them and harassing them.

I also heard that he enlisted local police officers to harass black people on his street.

Why does he get away with this behavior?

Why isn't he under investigation?

Anonymous said...

For my file...

This is what I heard while having lunch at Mayfair with an old friend of Teressa Forrestal,
wife of Marc Sarnoff:

Sarnoff paid a lump sum Terresa Forrestal to marry him.

She also receives salary.

She is under a "marriage" contract.

She lives in one of the two houses that Sarnoff owns accross from Blanche Park in Coconut Grove.

He lives next door in the other house with his lover Neil Bayer (a.k.a. "Law Partner").

He is a conflicted homosexual and intends to remain in the closet for life.

Terresa Forrestal must appear at his side in appropriate attire, approved by him, at all public meetings and functions.

As long as she continues to adhere to her contract and keep up appearances, she will continue to receive her salary for life.

Sarnoff held interviews in search of the right "wife" for the job.

He went through a few trial "wives" before deciding to hire forrestal.

Sarnoff even had his own mother fooled for awhile.

But she has caught on now and is extremely appalled at the whole agreement.

Anonymous said...

These types of arrangements are quite common and Sarnoff should not be condemed for it. I hope he will have the courage to come out.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Menendez' column has brought forth no healthy discourse. I have read the comments and they range from calling Mr. Sarnoff a bigot, an idiot and making up parodies about him that are not flattering. How in the world this parody serves any purpose is beyond me. There is no deeper understanding revealed.

I find this very poor journalism. A joke is not a joke when said at the expense of others.