Sunday, October 19, 2014

I Just Got My Dream Job In District 8. By Geniusofdespair

I am the Chief Lobbyist Liaison for the Commissioner. I get to meet with them all to hear their bullshit and made-up crap about their projects jobs first and then I would recommend whether their projects are worthy to present to the Commissioner. Probably none are.

Don't you think this is a good idea? If only it were true but I am afraid it is a DREAM without the job part. The only problem for all of you would be, I would take bribes, plenty of them and they wouldn't fit in white envelopes. I would require those big post office plastic sack envelopes. But don't despair I would have lotteries for all of you with half the money each month. I would share my bribe money.

Be careful what you wish for.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Then you would go to jail . . .they would want to make a good example out of you!

Geniusofdespair said...

I wouldn't go to jail. None of them do....I would do it the right way. Check for wires etc. Don't you think I watch TV?

Anonymous said...


Then you would donate the bribe money to a good cause, right?

Anonymous said...

I like the EOM lottery for a piece of the bribe money!

Geniusofdespair said...

Good Cause? Right a new car for me is more like it. For crying out loud, you are all getting your piece and you are taking none of the risk.

And I have to listen to all the blow hard lobbyists. That is tortuous. I think I am doing my part for my half.

Somehow I think the pay wouldn't be that great for a lobbyist czar. I would have to raise my own salary.

Anonymous said...

You mean raise your salary off of taxpayers money? Just take the bribes and leave us alone. We have all these bond issues to pay for.

Geniusofdespair said...

We could have a bond to subsidize my pay. I would give you some of that too.

Do you know when Johnny Winton first became a city of Miami Commissioner, he would not meet with lobbyists? He told them if the project is so good let your boss come and defend it.

Anonymous said...

You really should consider it. We desperately need people there who are concerned about the public's interest. Someone who could sift through the bs, provide guidance and direction to elected officials, and help them do what is right for us. It is just a job and money for friends and family, but it is a huge role for a change agent like you and has great community-wide implications for us.

Don't go into debt for the car. Save your pay checks, then find a used car and pay cash for it. You need to be free so you can walk if you want to. Someone has got to be able to say "NO" to power. Difficult to do that with a bunch of bills hanging over your head.

Geniusofdespair said...

If I am taking bribes, I think I would be expected to be saying yes...like a lot of the rest of them. The lobbyists would feed me dialogue. I would change...I wouldn't be a watchdog, I would be a dog or an overeating squealing pig like the rest of them. I don't know if this arrangement is going to work out. I think I have to forgo the bribes.

Anonymous said...

I think you are right about forgoing the bribes. They have boatloads of 'yes' men there. You need to be different.

Anonymous said...

You are the perfect fit! Keep your readers in the loop!

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid you'll have to look for that job in a different office. Not sure why you would think that sort of position is in the offing in District 8.

Anonymous said...

You would have to let us go. There are confidentiality issues working in these sensitive roles.

Anonymous said...

So you finally sold out to the man.

Geniusofdespair said...

Did anyone get that this was a joke. Anyway no other district would do it. They WANT to see the lobbyists.

Anonymous said...

If you want to see your commissioner you have to go through the aids first. It is almost impossible to see your commissioner. Lobbyists never have to go through the aids so why is this concept proposed so foreign to all of you?

Wouldn't it be be a good idea to do it the other way around? I'm calling it to Johnny Winton cure.

Anonymous said...

Genius, you are hilarious as well, and just to think, your readers fell for the bait.
I still think you are a perfect fit!!!

Vanessa said...

Why in district 8 for a parody on better government, why not? A Lobbyist go between is in actuality a very good idea. It would thin out the herd.

youbetcha' said...

I think this business has nothing to do with the commission or even the 29th floor of the 111 building. You don't want to be to close to all the flatulence.

Influence Peddling, Inc. could be set up with multiple offices; perhaps with one in Tally, an office in Sugar Country, one in FPL headquarters in Vero (let them "lend" LP,Inc. space) and of course, an office on Brickell.

I am sure there is a cubby hole for your staff to work from in the 111 building. The Media room outside the chambers will work or even the 18th floor coffee shop has quiet space around it.

This shouldn't be awfully hard work if you avoid the actual elected officials. You really don't have to have facts to present at hearings. We just need to make sure you have some glossy brochures, tabbed notebooks, and the ability to bend the truth with a straight face. A dark suit and white shirt helps.

We could do a website du jour depending on what topic you will be discussing. That will be where all your facts, if you need them, will originate.

Citizen polls can be put up on the website, provided it is one that allows multiple votes from the same IPs. Those wonderful push polls can be done using voters who are low rating voters,however, you may as well make up numbers and avoid the stigma and cost of using political master mind wannabes.

Of course, with the holidays and elections coming up, parties are such fun to have before hearings.

Like I said, you really don't need much contact with the elected officials; when they see the PAC dollars and election resources they happen to have, they will naturally understand anything presented to them in the chambers.

Meanwhile, it would be great fun going along for the ride and cocktails. You can go for weeks in Tally during session and not buy one meal with all the breakfast, lunch and evening events paid for by special interests. The over head for the Influence Peddlers, Inc. would not be so bad, just get your business cards and get hanging out.

By the way, district 8 commission is not the best place to start. There are 35 cities to visit that all desperately need power lines and charter schools. Let me know when you are ready to open your satellite offices, I may be bored enough to join in the building of chaos in government.