A casual friend of mine is now pissing in the closets of his new home. He got hit with Alzheimer's in his early 50’s and it has now progressed to where he is beating up his 85 year old father-in-law and pissing everywhere. His wife is desperate to keep him home.I, on the other hand, have a relative with all his marbles but the body is in the late 90’s and is shutting down. After a few falls after fainting, and a long stay in the hospital, we made arrangements for fulltime nursing so we could keep him at home. Well, after 3 aides in almost 3 weeks, we are ready to kill him. (Hit read more)
A fulltime Aide requires refrigerator space. My relative won’t give up the space. Last night we got home with a doggy bag (during dinner we had to squeeze the lemon for him and open the mustard top). In front of the Aide, my Uncle opened the freezer: “Look there is no space.” Then he opened the refrigerator and made a big deal of trying to put it in where it wouldn’t fit. Mind you, both sections had about half as much food as I have in my refrigerator and all the shelves had plenty of room. I could have fit about 50 of those doggy bags in his refrigerator. Finally I just took the f--king bag and shoved it in.
He also won’t let the woman watch TV. He shuts it off when the Aide walks in the room. She had to call her daughter to get hurricane news (and then he complained she was on the phone too much). So the Aide does crossword puzzles in the kitchen all day trying to stay out of his way....and rescues this man from falls during the night or whenever his blood pressure drops or he becomes dizzy. And, indignity of all, she helps him clean up after missed trips to the bathroom.
We all know this isn’t about the refrigerator, or the driving (“she drives too tentative I won’t get in the car with her”) or anything else. It is about his anger about his loss of independence. This man does NOT want an Aide. So what do we do? What is the alternative?
I remember this Anthropology course I took (or was it Sociology) where this tribe threw the old people out of their homes and didn’t feed them or anything -- good plan. I am tempted to wash my hands of this relative, like the tribe so I said to him: “Just fire the Aide and do what you want.” He was taken aback. He said: “Well, I am seeing the doctor in 3 weeks, I will wait till then.” Meanwhile he will torture this poor woman for absolutely no better reason then he doesn’t want to be stuck in a body that is not working any longer. And worse, the one thing gone from his mind: reason.
I guess you can figure out why I am focused on old people now. This is not fun. It is especially troubling for me to see one human being treat another with such disrespect. I am appalled at my uncle's behavior.
11 comments:
God's ultimate punishment:
Relatives.
Tell your relative that the nurses aid is actually a famous biographer, and is spending time with her in order to "write" her story.
Or maybe your relative just needs cocktail hour each day.
Or just tell the aid to suck it up. that's what they get paid for.
Either way, "parenting" elders is no fun at all.
love,
JA
I feel bad for them -- it appears they are truly on their own and now their relatives are turning on them in time of need -- and when they are helpless, helpless as a baby.
It sucks when people get old and useless. Fortunately they did not think they same way when baby diapers needed changing or the baby's crying went on all night. Special needs kids too -- what a burden.
Try to have some understanding. They will be gone soon enough. Have understanding and remember the good times once they are gone for good.
BTW
It is hard to be nice to people when they are yelling at you when all you are doing is trying to see to their needs. It is also hard to watch them abuse people -- it is very hard to watch. If they were a child you could correct that behavior...you can't in the elders.
Agree "throw them". Anon before, if we didn't love them it wouldn't be so hard. In order to take care of them properly you have to make them angry, by taking away their freedom (forcing them to have a roommate) or putting them in a nursing home.
Leaving them the way they want to be left -Alone- is abusive --
I take issue to your saying "relatives turning on them," it is relatives seeing to their needs and being abused for it I might add --- as the elder will not and cannot see to their own needs.
About 5 years.
That's approximately how long your parents your parents took care of you while you pee'd all over yourself and couldn't wipe your own but.
You owe them at least 5 years of trying to care for them.
m
My Parents are dead. You assume too much. I said relative.
Is "m" moderate?
Or m as mayor?
Go to Doctor's appmt ask for zoloft or other anxiety reducing drug. It will help your uncle. He will be calmer. And might help aide and others. My mom is just widowed after 50 years of total dependence on my Dad and she is 85 stubborn and deaf. She now takes meds and is much better (not totally easy but better)Bottom line it sucks plus it makes you think about your own mortality.
You got it Anon:
Bottom line it sucks plus it makes you think about your own mortality.
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